Hello Tim,
Thanks for picking up the tab for dinner the other day. Obviously, you can easily afford it. After all, Apple is the only company that made more money than I did last year. HaHa.
Boy that Netflix! I had no idea that PBS didn’t have a monopoly on black & whites.
Tim, I just want to thank you for the great company you helped build: the years of work, the long hours. Waking up early each day to do that rigorous workout to get ready to create, to market, to manage; it is truly humbling.
My morning routine consists of drinking a cup of dark, black coffee to get rid of the edge left over from that extra martini. Haha. Tim, people underestimate how funny I can be.
But, as I mentioned at dinner, as an esteemed member of the New York investment community, my job is to get as many billions of cash into my pockets as quickly as possible, and, of course, with as little effort. God bless this country.
I know it took you 10 years to build up this cash, but if I don’t get my money in 10 weeks, I’ll be pissed. After all, I’ve owned my Apple shares for months now. Tim, time is money.
As discussed, I plan to do this in a highly professional way. Unlike that chump Michael Dell who started a PC price war just to buy his company on the cheap. That little punk. Man, I get too excited sometimes.
Well, back to Apple and its hefty cash position.
Tim, as you well know, Apple has had a lot of success with its iPod and then its iPod as a phone. Now you have made a bigger iPod and call it an iPad. Utterly brilliant. So little effort and so much profit. Tim, I wish I could have come up with such an idea, but that would have taken way too much of my time and energy, when I can simply nag you for a few months and get a lot of cash.
Actually, when I come to think of it, Tim, I have a similar strategy, but instead of selling a small, cute product, I give a speech. The same speech, over and over again, for some 30 years. And these idiot professional investors are still willing to pay me to give that same speech. This is like the way you sell those iPods.
My shtick is I bash corporate management. The popular jock becomes the head of a company because he’s a nice guy and doesn’t burn any bridges. And then, from that niceness, he drives the company into the ground.
And the speech works. The audience howls. The popular jocks in the audience don’t even realize it is them I’m making fun of. Well, that’s Corporate America for you.
Tim, this is my demand. Take that USD 150bn and give it to me as one of your shareholders and I will never compare you to that guy who used to run the company. What’s his name? Oh! that Bill Gates guy.
Also, send me one of those bigger iPod thingies. I have trouble reading on the small screen. As you probably noticed at our dinner, I’m no kid anymore.
Your cherished friend as long as I get my hands on that USD 150bn,
Carl
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