To: Mr. Alex Mandl, Lead Independent Board Member of the Special Committee
Re: Seeking expensive reimbursement for my consideration to acquire Dell
Dear Mr. Mandl:
I write this while drinking my third martini. I realized that I do not have enough money to pay for my drinks. Then, out of the thin air (actually, the Internet – haha) I received an email alert which says, my pal, Carl Icahn can receive some reimbursement for his efforts to stop Michael from buying his own company on the cheap. (For the record, Mr. Icahn is really not my pal. I saw him on TV once. I don’t think he likes people.)
I guess he wants the same deal as Blackstone. Then, it struck me, why don’t I put in a bid for Dell and then I can get reimbursed for my martinis. I just wanted you to know I have thought very hard about how I would acquire Dell for the last hour or so.
I am a journalist. So I have no money. But apparently that hasn’t stopped Dave Johnson from buying companies. I don’t think he has ever taken money out of his own pocket to buy anything. I doubt he ever paid for shares of Dell or IBM. Oh, well, maybe he borrowed some money to pay for in-the-money stock options. I guess it is always better to use other people’s money (haha). That is probably why I don’t have enough money to pay for these drinks (sometimes I crack myself up).
But, I digress. I have a nice house in Bergen County, New Jersey which has some equity. Actually, we are visiting a bunch of colleges this week, so that money won’t be around much longer. After all Alex, we have to educate our kids. By the way, were you the executive in charge at AT&T when that John Malone sold Telecommunications Inc. to it for a really big price? No. No. That was that Lance Armstrong guy. Sorry, don’t want to misplace blame on that deal. Boy, was that a bust.
My offer is as follows: I offer to acquire one share of Dell Inc for $14.26, (Note: that’s above the Blackstone offer, so you’re getting a deal.) For my expenses, I am seeking $40.30. This includes 3 martinis (I ordered the happy-hour special cheap vodka, so I’m saving the company money) and one order of white bean humus. Alex, Punch’s white bean humus is killer. (Between you and me, they will give you extra pita if you ask for it.)
Please send the check to Ed Mullane’s Corporation Setup To Acquire One Share of Dell. I will cash check immediately, so I will not let it hang out their indefinitely. My wife hates when people don’t cash her checks. Also, it’s ok to turn my offer down. It won’t hurt my feelings. From looking at the company’s share price, not sure my offer is such a smart move. This is one tough business (know what I mean, nudge, nudge).
Thanks in advance for special committee’s consideration and the check.
Yours truly and all the best regards and cordially and cheers,
Ed
Follow